Moms You probably never feel angry at your kids, do you? Of course you do, and there’s nothing wrong with you; there’s ways to understand that and manage it. I’m glad you’re here for anger management for mothers. Anger management for Mom.
Let’s put this on a top-ten list that’ll help us put some organization around it, and there are some really, really important things that I’m saving for last, so stay tuned; you’re not going to want to miss that. Let’s start with number 10, and it’s a basic understanding of anger. What is anger, and how does it work inside the human psyche and in interactions with other people? Number 10 is that you get to learn about anger and how it affects you. Let’s do a quick summary of what anger is, and then you can look at other videos here on our channel to get a more in-depth look at that. In the quick version, our brain is designed to watch out for, monitor, and pick up on threats. Anything that threatens us kicks us into fight-or-flight mode. Can you see how that relates to anger? Because usually, with anger, it’s a very fight-mode way of taking on a threat.
Let’s put this on a top-ten list that’ll help us put some organization around it, and there are some really, really important things that I’m saving for last, so stay tuned; you’re not going to want to miss that. Let’s start with number 10, and it’s a basic understanding of anger. What is anger, and how does it work inside the human psyche and in interactions with other people? Number 10 is that you get to learn about anger and how it affects you. Let’s do a quick summary of what anger is, and then you can look at other videos here on our channel to get a more in-depth look at that. In the quick version, our brain is designed to watch out for, monitor, and pick up on threats. Anything that threatens us kicks us into fight-or-flight mode. Can you see how that relates to anger? Because usually, with anger, it’s a very fight-mode way of taking on a threat.
This is not helpful when we’re talking about parenting and being a mom because if you’re fighting, probably we’re making a bigger problem, right? Yeah, so understanding how your brain naturally responds to threats and some of the things that you can do with them is the first thing on our list today at number 10. Coming in at number 9, right behind that, take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Years ago, I learned this on an airplane. You’ve probably heard me share this example before. When you’re getting ready to take off, you know, on a commercial airplane, and the flight attendant is going through the safety routine, you’re supposed to follow along on your little laminated card. I hope you’re doing that. I know I always do. As you’re following along on the card and as they get to a certain point in their routine, they say if we happen to lose pressure in our cabin and these attractive yellow oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling, take that little cup, put it over your face, use the rubber band to fasten it onto your head, and then they always say at that point.
If you’re traveling with young children or with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on first. Now, why did they say that? Because if you’re out cold in the aisle, you’re just in the way; you’re part of the problem, and you’re not helping anyone at that point. In order to really help those little kids that we have a stewardship to take care of, we got to have our own mask on, so what does that mean for you? It might mean you get to take better care of yourself in a number of ways because the very best gift you can give to your children is a fully functioning mom. Okay, that’s number nine; right behind that, takes care of the team. What team? Your parenting team. You’re not doing this alone, even though sometimes you might really feel that you’re alone. There’s a team. I’m on your team. What else? Constitutes your team. Constitute your team, who’s on it, and how you can take better care of your team. So after you take care of yourself in number nine, we’re going to move up to take care of the team. Your husband, your spouse, and your partner—they’re obviously on your team.
Well, what if you don’t have a husband, a spouse, or a partner? Okay, well, who next is on your team? Is there some extended family? Do you have friends? Are there some people in your community, and then, reaching beyond that, you might have a pediatrician or a nurse that you work with? You might have people at the school, educators, or people in the community that help you raise your child. It takes a village to raise a child; you’ve heard that phrase before as well.Take care of that village; take care of the team. Number seven, remember what you know about child development. This knowledge helps you to put things in perspective, which allows you to avoid some of the anger that sometimes comes when we think that things are not the way they should be. Notice that that’s kind of the thought behind an angry response, right? Things are not the way they should be, and it triggers that anger. Well, what if they’re exactly the way they should be? What if, developmentally speaking, whatever your kids are doing that is driving you nuts is exactly the kind of thing the kids of their age, development, and life circumstances would typically do? This is often the case.
I’ve had so many parents in my office, and I dock my kids doing this and this and this and this, and I’m over here thinking, hmm, that sounds like kids, right? But it might not seem normal to a parent who doesn’t have a greater understanding of what child development is all about, so this particular item is for you to remember and maybe increase what you know about child development. What’s developmentally appropriate? Talk to other moms, get on the blogs, follow the videos, and see if you can track what we expect from these kids. Oh, and it’s not just kids. I had a dad come, and he says my teenager is doing this and that, and this is not my kid, and I’m like, You’re right, it’s not your kid, it’s your kid. They’re different animals, so, developmentally speaking, we have to kind of track that. Our knowledge will help us to overcome some of the anger that we feel. That leads us right into number six. Practice saying to yourself, if nothing else, “Things are exactly as they should be.” Things are exactly as they should be. Developmentally, that may very well be true. What is it that’s got you tipped over? It’s something that you’re saying is not the way it should be. Well, do you know? Do you know for sure that if you’ve got some cosmic connection to the grand plan of all things, then you know for sure that this is not the way it should be? My kids should not be doing that. No, you don’t know that for sure, do you? But you’re taking that position, and this is causing some of the anger. What if we switch positions? Things are exactly as they should be. Wait a minute. That’s going to feel like you’re lying to yourself, right? And I kind of picked up on what you were thinking there. Well, maybe you are lying to yourself and you don’t really realize it yet.
What if you’re lying to yourself about things not being the way they should be? You don’t know, but you’re taking a position about it. I’m thinking, let’s take a position that serves us well and puts us in a position to not experience that same anger and rage that comes up when we think that things are not the way they should be. If you believed that things were exactly as they should be, what happened to the anger? Yeah, do you see that? There’s no room for the anger anymore because, after all, things are exactly as they should be. Now a little disclaimer here: they may not be the way you want them to be, That’s okay, There ‘s things we can do to improve our situation or to change things that are not to our liking but switching your position on whether it should be that way or not is going to affect how you feel and the energy subsequently that you bring to the game of creating an upgrade okay so let’s take that seriously. Now moving up to number five on our list, enjoy the journey. I am saying this because every phase of parenting and child development can be joyful, fun, entertaining, funny, and also gut-wrenching, hard, difficult, and frustrating. Yeah, we get both, so your position that you took in point number six is going to set you up for enjoying the journey as number five on our list because now you get to sit back, thinking that things are exactly as they should be, and enjoy the stage that your child is in right now. Whatever stage they’re in, it doesn’t last; it doesn’t keep. My wife has a picture on the wall at home that has a saying on it. It says all of the chores I can’t even remember all of the wording for, but all of the chores that I have to do today, you can all go away because I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep; they really don’t.
My baby turned 21 this week, the week that we’re recording this video. She just turned 21, and she’s an adult now. My baby, and it seems like yesterday, I know you hear this from old people like me all the time, right? It honestly blows my mind that all my babies have grown up and they’re now adults, and some of them are raising their own babies now. This is how life rolls: babies don’t keep, neither do toddlers, nor do little kids who are going to school, nor do teenagers enjoy the journey. That leads us to number four on our countdown today, and this one is about perspective. Keep the perspective; that’s number four. I was reading a book years ago that had a scene where a mom and a dad were lying in bed talking—you know, the pillow talk that happens sometimes between parents—and this father was really frustrated. He was so angry about an incident that happened the day before where the boys—all three of them—were out in the apple orchard and they were pulling little green apples off of the tree. This is a time in the season when the apples were just starting to develop little green apples, and they’re pulling them off of the tree. They tried a few of them, but they were too sour, so they just started using these apples as awesome ballistic devices to throw at each other as they’re having wars out there in the orchard, right?
They totally obliterated the apple crop; this isn’t a big orchard, just a few trees, and so they did a lot of damage in a couple of hours that afternoon. Well, dad’s kind of frustrated and upset about that, and he’s expressing this to his wife the next morning as they’re lying in bed. His wife did something that I thought was brilliant; the way it’s depicted in the book is that she said, “Honey, but we’re not raising apples, we’re raising boys. “Now it’s not that the apples aren’t important, but what perspective does that bring back to the table? And notice that some of the things that frustrate us are just things; it’s just stuff, and it’s usually a mess, a disruption, or something that kind of interferes with the flow of what we had planned as the adults who are in charge of things, right? When we back off from the mess and look at the greater perspective, you can see, oh, we’re not raising apples; we’re raising boys; oh, I’m not keeping a clean house; I’m raising a child. That perspective can really help, and it helps to bring the anger levels down as you remember the perspective and get a greater picture of what it is that we’re doing. Now that leads us up to our top three, and I’ve been excited to share these three with you because, really, this is where it’s at. Coming in at number three, remember who they are. Remember who they are—your kids. Who are these people who showed up in my world and caused all this disruption that makes me so mad? Who are they? You know, you might have different philosophies or perspectives on this, but at the very least, these are people.
Yeah, they’re kids, but kids are actually people; they grow up to be people like us adults. Well, that’s a little weird when you think about it because somehow this little person showed up in your home in your life. Who is this person? Every great person that we’ve read about through history—the presidents of the United States, for example, the leaders of countries and nations, the great composers, the authors—everybody started out as one of these little kids. Who are they? You don’t even know who these little people in your world are going to grow up to be. Part of my point is that they are already that person in a smaller, less mature form. I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Jane Goodall speak just a few weeks ago, and as she was speaking, she spoke so lovingly and in such a reverently respectful way about her mother, who somehow saw Little Jane, who was dragging worms in from the garden, and put them in her bed to observe them and cover them up. Did mom see a little kid making a mess? Well, maybe she did, but she was able to get the perspective we’re talking about. She knew who Jane was before Jane ever did, and she saw in young Jane a scientist and an observer, and she was able to see that. The anger is not necessary when you see that this little kid is being who they are designed to be.
Now I’ve got other videos here in the positive parenting playlist that will help you with, well, what do I do if my kid brings mud into the bed? Yeah, we can deal with the behaviors; that’s not an issue. I’m talking here about perspective and keeping you in a place where you don’t get hijacked by anger when you remember who they are. You can approach this in a way that is going to be affirming, like with Dr. Jane Goodall puts your kids in a position to go out there and change the world, and she attributes that to her angel mom. Isn’t that awesome? That leads us to number two. What is your job? Number two on our list is to remember your job, and your job as a parent is to love them no matter what or even if. Our kids give us all kinds of opportunities to test that out and see if we, as parents, will do our job. What is your job? To love them. Here’s where we get deceived all the time, and this causes anger, by the way; that’s why it’s in this video. We get deceived into thinking, No, my job is to make sure that they make sure that they, whatever, right? Have you been there? Have you felt that? If my job is to make sure that they keep their room clean, which, by the way, little kids are not very good at, I know that because you’re here today. Now get clear about your job. It’s not to make sure that they keep their room clean; it’s not to make sure that they don’t make a mess; it’s not to make sure that they don’t disrupt our schedule; it’s not to make sure that they don’t bother the company when they come over; it’s not to make sure that they pass their class; all of that’s finding good; that’s not your job.
Your job is to love them no matter what, even if. You stay clear about that, and we’re going to have a whole different experience with anger. Now that’s going to lead us to number one. I saved this one for last, you guys, because this is so near and dear to my heart. Number one, remember who you are. Remember who you are. Life beats us up sometimes, and we forget about who we are. Do you remember when that precious child was delivered into your hands and into your life, and how you felt? Now it can be very overwhelming, but what an honor and a privilege, and who are you to deserve this? That’s my point. You are this child’s mom, and that is huge. Remember who you are.
This is not helpful when we’re talking about parenting and being a mom because if you’re fighting, probably we’re making a bigger problem, right? Yeah, so understanding how your brain naturally responds to threats and some of the things that you can do with them is the first thing on our list today at number 10. Coming in at number 9, right behind that, take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Years ago, I learned this on an airplane. You’ve probably heard me share this example before. When you’re getting ready to take off, you know, on a commercial airplane, and the flight attendant is going through the safety routine, you’re supposed to follow along on your little laminated card. I hope you’re doing that. I know I always do. As you’re following along on the card and as they get to a certain point in their routine, they say if we happen to lose pressure in our cabin and these attractive yellow oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling, take that little cup, put it over your face, use the rubber band to fasten it onto your head, and then they always say at that point.
If you’re traveling with young children or with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on first. Now, why did they say that? Because if you’re out cold in the aisle, you’re just in the way; you’re part of the problem, and you’re not helping anyone at that point. In order to really help those little kids that we have a stewardship to take care of, we got to have our own mask on, so what does that mean for you? It might mean you get to take better care of yourself in a number of ways because the very best gift you can give to your children is a fully functioning mom. Okay, that’s number nine; right behind that, it takes care of the team. What team? Your parenting team. You’re not doing this alone, even though sometimes you might really feel that you’re alone. There’s a team. I’m on your team. What else? Constitutes your team. Constitute your team, who’s on it, and how you can take better care of your team. So after you take care of yourself in number nine, we’re going to move up to take care of the team. Your husband, your spouse, and your partner—they’re obviously on your team.
Well, what if you don’t have a husband, a spouse, or a partner? Okay, well, who next is on your team? Is there some extended family? Do you have friends? Are there some people in your community, and then, reaching beyond that, you might have a pediatrician or a nurse that you work with? You might have people at the school, educators, or people in the community that help you raise your child. It takes a village to raise a child; you’ve heard that phrase before as well.Take care of that village; take care of the team. Number seven, remember what you know about child development. This knowledge helps you to put things in perspective, which allows you to avoid some of the anger that sometimes comes when we think that things are not the way they should be. Notice that that’s kind of the thought behind an angry response, right? Things are not the way they should be, and it triggers that anger. Well, what if they’re exactly the way they should be? What if, developmentally speaking, whatever your kids are doing that is driving you nuts is exactly the kind of thing the kids of their age, development, and life circumstances would typically do? This is often the case.
I’ve had so many parents in my office, and I dock my kids doing this and this and this and this, and I’m over here thinking, hmm, that sounds like kids, right? But it might not seem normal to a parent who doesn’t have a greater understanding of what child development is all about, so this particular item is for you to remember and maybe increase what you know about child development. What’s developmentally appropriate? Talk to other moms, get on the blogs, follow the videos, and see if you can track what we expect from these kids. Oh, and it’s not just kids. I had a dad come and he says my teenager is doing this and that, and this is not my kid, and I’m like, You’re right, it’s not your kid, it’s your kid. They’re different animals, so developmentally speaking, we have to kind of track that. Our knowledge will help us to overcome some of the anger that we feel. That leads us right into number six. Practice saying to yourself, if nothing else, “Things are exactly as they should be.” Things are exactly as they should be. Developmentally, that may very well be true. What is it that’s got you tipped over? It’s something that you’re saying is not the way it should be. Well, do you know? Do you know for sure that if you’ve got some cosmic connection to the grand plan of all things, then you know for sure that this is not the way it should be? My kids should not be doing that. No, you don’t know that for sure, do you? But you’re taking that position, and this is causing some of the anger. What if we switch positions? Things are exactly as they should be. Wait a minute. That’s going to feel like you’re lying to yourself, right? And I kind of picked up on what you were thinking there. Well, maybe you are lying to yourself and you don’t really realize it yet.
What if you’re lying to yourself about things not being the way they should be? You don’t know, but you’re taking a position about it. I’m thinking, let’s take a position that serves us well and puts us in a position to not experience that same anger and rage that comes up when we think that things are not the way they should be. If you believed that things were exactly as they should be, what happened to the anger? Yeah, do you see that? There’s no room for the anger anymore because, after all, things are exactly as they should be. Now a little disclaimer here: they may not be the way you want them to be, That’s okay, There ‘s things we can do to improve our situation or to change things that are not to our liking but switching your position on whether it should be that way or not is going to affect how you feel and the energy subsequently that you bring to the game of creating an upgrade okay so let’s take that seriously. Now moving up to number five on our list, enjoy the journey. I am saying this because every phase of parenting and child development can be joyful, fun, entertaining, funny, and also gut-wrenching, hard, difficult, and frustrating. Yeah, we get both, so your position that you took in point number six is going to set you up for enjoying the journey as number five on our list because now you get to sit back, thinking that things are exactly as they should be, and enjoy the stage that your child is in right now. Whatever stage they’re in, it doesn’t last; it doesn’t keep. My wife has a picture on the wall at home that has a saying on it. It says all of the chores I can’t even remember all of the wording for, but all of the chores that I have to do today, you can all go away because I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep; they really don’t.
My baby turned 21 this week, the week that we’re recording this video. She just turned 21, and she’s an adult now. My baby, and it seems like yesterday, I know you hear this from old people like me all the time, right? It honestly blows my mind that all my babies have grown up and they’re now adults, and some of them are raising their own babies now. This is how life rolls: babies don’t keep, neither do toddlers, nor do little kids who are going to school, nor do teenagers enjoy the journey. That leads us to number four on our countdown today, and this one is about perspective. Keep the perspective; that’s number four. I was reading a book years ago that had a scene where a mom and a dad were lying in bed talking you know, the pillow talk that happens sometimes between parents and this father was really frustrated. He was so angry about an incident that happened the day before where the boys all three of them were out in the apple orchard and they were pulling little green apples off of the tree. This is a time in the season when the apples were just starting to develop little green apples, and they’re pulling them off of the tree. They tried a few of them, but they were too sour, so they just started using these apples as awesome ballistic devices to throw at each other as they’re having wars out there in the orchard, right?
They totally obliterated the apple crop; this isn’t a big orchard, just a few trees, and so they did a lot of damage in a couple of hours that afternoon. Well, dad’s kind of frustrated and upset about that, and he’s expressing this to his wife the next morning as they’re lying in bed. His wife did something that I thought was brilliant; the way it’s depicted in the book is that she said, “Honey, but we’re not raising apples, we’re raising boys. “Now it’s not that the apples aren’t important, but what perspective does that bring back to the table? And notice that some of the things that frustrate us are just things; it’s just stuff, and it’s usually a mess, a disruption, or something that kind of interferes with the flow of what we had planned as the adults who are in charge of things, right? When we back off from the mess and look at the greater perspective, you can see, oh, we’re not raising apples; we’re raising boys; oh, I’m not keeping a clean house; I’m raising a child. That perspective can really helps and helps to bring the anger levels down as you remember the perspective and get a greater picture of what it is that we’re doing. Now that leads us up to our top three, and I’ve been excited to share these three with you because, really, this is where it’s at. Coming in at number three, remember who they are. Remember who they are your kids. Who are these people who showed up in my world and caused all this disruption that makes me so mad? Who are they? You know, you might have different philosophies or perspectives on this, but at the very least, these are people.
Yeah, they’re kids, but kids are actually people; they grow up to be people like us adults. Well, that’s a little weird when you think about it because somehow this little person showed up in your home in your life. Who is this person? Every great person that we’ve read about through history the presidents of the United States, for example, the leaders of countries and nations, the great composers, the authors everybody started out as one of these little kids. Who are they? You don’t even know who these little people in your world are going to grow up to be. Part of my point is that they are already that person in a smaller, less mature form. I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Jane Goodall speak just a few weeks ago, and as she was speaking, she spoke so lovingly and in such a reverently respectful way about her mother, who somehow saw Little Jane, who was dragging worms in from the garden, and put them in her bed to observe them and cover them up. Did mom see a little kid making a mess? Well, maybe she did, but she was able to get the perspective we’re talking about. She knew who Jane was before Jane ever did, and she saw in young Jane a scientist and an observer, and she was able to see that. The anger is not necessary when you see that this little kid is being who they are designed to be.
Now I’ve got other videos here in the positive parenting playlist that will help you with, well, what do I do if my kid brings mud into the bed? Yeah, we can deal with the behaviors; that’s not an issue. I’m talking here about perspective and keeping you in a place where you don’t get hijacked by anger when you remember who they are. You can approach this in a way that is going to be affirming, like with Dr. Jane Goodall puts your kids in a position to go out there and change the world, and she attributes that to her angel mom. Isn’t that awesome? That leads us to number two. What is your job? Number two on our list is to remember your job, and your job as a parent is to love them no matter what or even if. Our kids give us all kinds of opportunities to test that out and see if we, as parents, will do our job. What is your job? To love them. Here’s where we get deceived all the time, and this causes anger, by the way; that’s why it’s in this video. We get deceived into thinking, No, my job is to make sure that they make sure that they, whatever, right? Have you been there? Have you felt that? If my job is to make sure that they keep their room clean, which, by the way, little kids are not very good at, I know that because you’re here today. Now get clear about your job. It’s not to make sure that they keep their room clean; it’s not to make sure that they don’t make a mess; it’s not to make sure that they don’t disrupt our schedule; it’s not to make sure that they don’t bother the company when they come over; it’s not to make sure that they pass their class; all of that’s finding good; that’s not your job.
Your job is to love them no matter what, even if. You stay clear about that, and we’re going to have a whole different experience with anger. Now that’s going to lead us to number one. I saved this one for last, you guys, because this is so near and dear to my heart. Number one, remember who you are. Remember who you are. Life beats us up sometimes, and we forget about who we are. Do you remember when that precious child was delivered into your hands and into your life, and how you felt? Now it can be very overwhelming, but what an honor and a privilege, and who are you to deserve this? That’s my point. You are this child’s mom, and that is huge. Remember who you are.