How do you manage your anger with your child? I’ll have a top 10 list, so stick around to the end. Number 10 is on our list. We’ll do this in a countdown fashion to understand anger. Understand what it is and how it works in your own mind. There are some pretty straightforward psychological principles that drive this. Basically, when we feel anger, it’s our brains fight-or-flight response that’s kicking in. Is your child a threat to you? No, don’t answer that too fast, okay? No.
But we feel threatened sometimes when we perceive that things are not the way that they should be or that they’re not behaving in a way that we would expect or obeying us. That creates a false sense of threat. So, just know some things about anger, how it works with you, and how you can manage that anger. If you need some help with that, we’ve got some other videos here on the channel that will help you with anger specifically. That’s number 10. Now, let’s move up the list a notch to number 9. Take care of yourself. I basically have 4 rules for parents, and number 1 is to take care of yourself. I just came back from visiting my own grandkids in another state. And as we were flying back, Vicki and I were seated in the airplane, and they went through the safety routine. They always do this. At some point in their routine, they say, “If we lose cabin pressure, these very attractive oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling.
Put your own mask on first, and then you can help whoever you’re traveling with. Including your child.” This is so true for parents. Who’s going to take care of you? I had a mom in my office once who was so overwhelmed and stressed. I had her do a little activity where she wrote a list of everything that she was responsible for. Everything that she was taking care of. And that list got long, and she had to turn the page and go to the next page. She kept going, and then she started slowing down, and she got to the end of it. She said, “Okay, that’s pretty much it.” I looked over all 3 pages. Guess what was missing? Her. Who’s going to take care of Mom? You have to take care of yourself. But you’re not in this alone, so let’s go to number 8. Number 8 on our list is to take care of the team. The parenting team. So, if you’re married, that means your spouse. You and your spouse form that parenting team. If you’re not, then who else do you have on your team? And it might be a caregiver, a babysitter, or a nanny. It might be professionals like counselors or teachers, or people who interact with your child or assist you in your role as a parent.
You’ll notice that sometimes I have guests come on to talk about specific topics or aspects of parenting that you might be wondering about. We are part of your team here. That’s awesome. Take care of your team. Now, the number 7 way to manage your anger with your child is to adjust your expectations. Anger is usually considered a secondary emotion. Which means that something else came first. One of the things that triggers anger more often than anything else, I know, is a violation of your expectations. So, you’re expecting your kid to do this, and your kid did that instead. How often does that happen to you? What if you were to adjust your expectations? Adjust your expectations and try something like this: “Whatever my child does is perfect for me. “That’s going to be a little hard to wrap your head around. But if you’ll try this, take it from the perspective of luck. There’re kids. They do kid-friendly things. If you totally expect that, then you won’t be tipped over when they do those typical kid-type things. Adjust your expectations, and that leads me right to number 6 on our list of how to manage your anger with your child. “Do you know for sure that things are not the way they should be? You’ve got some connection to the grand scheme of all things, and you know for sure that things are not the way they should be No You don’t know that. Do you know that they are the way they should be? No. You don’t know that either.
So, you have to pick a position; what are those? The old belief was, “Things are not the way they should be.” That triggers anger, doesn’t it? Yeah. Or things are exactly as they should be. If I try on that belief, is there any room for anger in there? Not really. Because things are exactly as they should be. Try it on. Play with that one a little bit. Get a little coaching if you need it. Tip number 5 on how to manage your anger with your children.If you’re doing some of the other tips that we’re talking about on this top 10 list, you’re going to find it easy to enjoy them. You can choose to do this. I had a dad in my office who was so frustrated and got angry a lot with his son. He gave him an assignment. I said, “Your assignment is to enjoy him.” And then we set up a little mental experiment. What if your assignment carries with it a thousand-dollar reward? In other words, if you do this and pull it off, if you can enjoy your son for 3 days in a row, you get a thousand dollars. He’s like, “Well, oh.” And then he had to rethink it. because he thought that he didn’t have any choice in the matter. I said, “What would you do if a thousand dollars were riding on it? What would you do to enjoy your son?” He said, “Well, I’d have to change how I think.” Oh! Ding, ding, ding, ding! Yeah. You don’t have to change how you think. If you can back off and become a little more distant from the situation,. And remember, your job is to enjoy them. That’s a pretty powerful little tool. That’s why it’s number 5 on our list. But that’s not as powerful as number 4. Number 4 is to stay positive. I go on and on and on about positivity. It’s my thing. It’s my topic. I’ve written 2 books on the subject. I’m a big fan of positivity.Here’s the short version. You get into a position of gratitude for the way things are. Right now, without changing anything,. And then you get really intentional about improving it. And it’s going to change in some way. So, let’s be intentional about which direction we want it to go.
Gratitude for what is and intentional upgrades. That’s the quick version of positivity. Let’s go to number 3. For this one, I want to get kind of serious with you for a minute. I want you to remember who they are. Your kids. Kids are not possessions. You don’t own them. They’re not little copies of you. Kids are people. Human beings who arrived on this planet after you. Why do you get to be this kid’s parent? I don’t know. Because you showed up on the planet before they did? What if they had been born first? Maybe you were their kid? I don’t know. We’re all in a long stream of people who have no idea what they’re doing. People who came before us, people who come after us. And we’re all more alike than we are different. Your kids are people. Remember who they are. And for me, this becomes a spiritual issue too, because I think that we have a sacred stewardship to take care of these vulnerable children while they develop into full-grown people. And then you know what? Part of our job as parents is to work ourselves out of a job. Because eventually, we want them to go off and do their own thing, right? This is a short period of time that you get to spend with another human being who showed up in your life as a responsibility and a steward. Remember who they are. And now up to number 2. Remember your job. I just said that part of your job is to work your way out of a job. Here’s your main job. Your job is to love them no matter what, even if. I go over this with my parents all the time because we all get distracted sometimes from our jobs, and we think that our job is to make sure that they are. Make sure that they’re happy. All that sounds so nice. But can you do that? No. You’re not even capable of doing that. It’s not up to you. Make sure that they’re safe. I can’t do that either. And I consult with parents all the time whose children were hurt or even killed. It’s not your job to make sure that they’re safe.
We’re going to take certain steps to manage the risk, but we can’t make sure that they’re always safe, can we? Make sure that they get their homework done. Make sure that they succeed in school. Make sure that they’re productive citizens. Do you see how maddening that could be? You want to manage your anger with your child, and you get serious about your job. And your job is to love them no matter what, even if. That leads us to number 1. I want you to remember who you are. We already talked about number 3 that you want to remember who they are. You remember who you are. Because, for whatever reason, you were picked to be this child’s parent. What qualifies you for that? Well, actually, a lot of things do. You are a benevolent, generous, and loving parent. If you didn’t believe that, as I said, then we have some work to do on your mindset. That’s what some of the other tips are for. It’s true. And we can make a valid argument toward that end. You need to remember that, because if you see yourself as a loving, generous, and benevolent parent, you’re going to show up differently for your little ones. Or for your bigger ones. It’s important for you to remember who you are. Don’t lose sight of that. You’re an amazing person.
It’s a big deal, and you’ve got it with the resources that are available. If you haven’t checked out the Parenting Power-Up, I really want to invite you to do that. Parenting powerup.com. This is a resource that Vicky and I have put together. We’ve teamed up because we’ve been parents together for almost 30 years now. We’ve teamed up to bring you some powerful modules that will assist you in your journey as a parent. I hope you check it out.